By the time the phone rang I had decided to get rid of her before she could get rid of me. I felt so ridiculous, but the pain, the fear, and the gut-wrenching poker in my gut were very real.
Wanting to die but not being able to kill myself because I’d feel too much guilt for those I’d hurt, and then feeling angry about that so I cut myself or take an overdose to make all the feelings go away. One night I called my girlfriend and she said she would call me back because she was watching TV. It hurt so bad because the day before, I had started to believe that she really loved me.
She would break up with me and then want to get back together—sometimes in the same day.
Pain, anger, confusion, never knowing how I’m gonna feel from one minute to the next. When we first began dating, my borderline girlfriend told me I was the very first guy who really loved her for what she was. After a few months, she started criticizing me and everything I did was wrong.
Her tone was very fast—rat-a-tat-tat—like she was firing at me.
She would pace and become very menacing, growing closer and closer as I became more and more afraid.
Parenting my borderline daughter with is a twenty-four-hour-a-day job.
She comes in my bedroom at midnight, crying and bleeding from self-inflicted cuts.
She has sex with men she barely knows and doesn’t use birth control.
Her current boyfriend sells drugs, and I think she is using them too.
Like a lot of people with BPD, I have a chameleon-like ability to take on the coloring of the individual I am with. When other people aren’t around me I feel invisible.
But the act is done more to fool me than to fool them. Engaging in impulsive “pain management" behaviors, such as going on spending sprees, having promiscuous sex, driving recklessly, abusing drugs or alcohol, binge eating, breaking the law, threatening suicide or making attempts, and engaging in self-harm.